![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ralphmeltonIn my first journal entry, I mentioned that I wanted to dye my hair a brilliant color temporarily, but I was holding off because of the upcoming wedding and the prospect of meeting customers.
In yesterday's staff meeting at work, it sounded as if I wasn't going to be meeting customers for a month or two. so I asked whether I'd be meeting customers soon. Mark knew that I was really asking "Will it create problems if I dye my hair?" He was kind of derisive about my desire and implied strongly that I was too old for such things, but he grudgingly agreed that it would probably be okay.
At night, then, Lori and I were talking about how Mark can be somewhat difficult to get along with these days, because the stress of trying to get our company to take off is really being hard on him.
As we were going to bed, then, I recalled the conversation with Mark. I retold it to Lori.
I figured that it would be another anecdote of my having trouble getting along with Mark.
I thought Lori shared my enthusiasm for the idea of temporarily dyeing my hair, and now that Mark had given the grudging go-ahead, we would start giddily plotting a recoloring for me. I was expecting that we'd discuss the relative merits of a brilliant jewel blue or a warm purple.
I was wrong.
I was so wrong.
Lori views the idea with apprehension.
She didn't understand why I want to do this, and asked me why. For my part, I have trouble explaining it, because it seems obviously cool to me.
It's cool.
It's exotic.
It's flamboyant.
Lori said, "Many of the people around you won't understand why you're doing this."
This is code for something I don't understand, because on the face of it, it shouldn't matter whether other people understand; why should I care? But it might mean 'I don't understand', and that I do care about.
So I've been feeling very sad by her disapproval. And my inner voice is saying This is what happens when you want things. This is why it's wrong to want things.
Lori feels really bad about making me feel so sad. She says, "I'm sorry" over and over. I know she does feel sorry. But I don't know how to respond.
She suggests things like coloring my hair very briefly, so that no one sees it. That's not satisfactory to me, and I can't explain why.
This is so messed up. Everyone I know has bigger problems than this. Even I have bigger problems than this. I feel like such a whiner for being so sad about this. This too is one of the bad effects of wanting things.
In yesterday's staff meeting at work, it sounded as if I wasn't going to be meeting customers for a month or two. so I asked whether I'd be meeting customers soon. Mark knew that I was really asking "Will it create problems if I dye my hair?" He was kind of derisive about my desire and implied strongly that I was too old for such things, but he grudgingly agreed that it would probably be okay.
At night, then, Lori and I were talking about how Mark can be somewhat difficult to get along with these days, because the stress of trying to get our company to take off is really being hard on him.
As we were going to bed, then, I recalled the conversation with Mark. I retold it to Lori.
I figured that it would be another anecdote of my having trouble getting along with Mark.
I thought Lori shared my enthusiasm for the idea of temporarily dyeing my hair, and now that Mark had given the grudging go-ahead, we would start giddily plotting a recoloring for me. I was expecting that we'd discuss the relative merits of a brilliant jewel blue or a warm purple.
I was wrong.
I was so wrong.
Lori views the idea with apprehension.
She didn't understand why I want to do this, and asked me why. For my part, I have trouble explaining it, because it seems obviously cool to me.
It's cool.
It's exotic.
It's flamboyant.
Lori said, "Many of the people around you won't understand why you're doing this."
This is code for something I don't understand, because on the face of it, it shouldn't matter whether other people understand; why should I care? But it might mean 'I don't understand', and that I do care about.
So I've been feeling very sad by her disapproval. And my inner voice is saying This is what happens when you want things. This is why it's wrong to want things.
Lori feels really bad about making me feel so sad. She says, "I'm sorry" over and over. I know she does feel sorry. But I don't know how to respond.
She suggests things like coloring my hair very briefly, so that no one sees it. That's not satisfactory to me, and I can't explain why.
This is so messed up. Everyone I know has bigger problems than this. Even I have bigger problems than this. I feel like such a whiner for being so sad about this. This too is one of the bad effects of wanting things.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 09:47 am (UTC)Lori is trying to tell you that people will think you are gay if you dye your hair some exotic color (I would guess), and that that bothers her because it reflects on her badly if people think this about her husband (I would guess).
Lori has a point here, and so do you. It's not going to help if you just retreat into "wanting things is bad" -- you need to discuss it, and come to some sort of solution that you can both live with.
I've seen marriages break up when this sort of thing festers. Negotiate early, negotiate often -- you know that.
*hug*
L
no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 10:49 am (UTC)(And in an aside, I note that I meant the "this is code for something I don't understand" to be a neutral statement, without an implicit judgment of who's right or wrong.)
no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 12:58 pm (UTC)This is a big part of why we need to talk so much to work this all out.
ONE OF US
Date: 2001-08-21 01:47 pm (UTC)Even within one person, this can be a difficult decision. I think the most important thing is to talk this one to death. It touches on some important control issues. The sort of stuff that every relationship has to work out on their own terms. Whatever you decide, be certain that each of you is perfectly clear about the others reasons, and how far that reasoning extends. It's okay to disagree, so long as you know exactly where and why you disagree.
Some other things to think about: What if one of you wants to cut your hair or change the style? What if Ralph's desired hair color was more "normal"? What about (for Ralph) moustache or beard or (for Lori) unshaved legs or armpits? How large is the set of people who will say "blue-haired freak" but not "long-haired freak"?
There is some benefit in not scaring the neighbors, but then again, there's also benefit in scaring them. Most people will make snap judgements. The open-minded people will revisit those judgements after talking to you. The closed-minded ones won't even try to talk to you. Do you really want those people as friends? In other words, do you want to adapt to the suburbs, or do you want the suburbs to adapt to you?
no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 02:08 pm (UTC)Glad to virtually "meet" you!
no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 02:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 02:50 pm (UTC)But, it's already out here, so I'm gonna try and resurect my post.
no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 02:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-08-21 02:58 pm (UTC)My other issue is that I love Ralph's hair the way it is, and I'm afraid he'll have staining.
Thanks for understanding both sides of this. *hug*
PS: To alleviate confusion, I will explain that I deleted this, and now am retyping it. I found myself disturbed by having a "relationship" discussion on LJ. I can be pretty selective about what I tell others. Sorry...you're all friends, and it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with y'all.