Blue

[ralphmelton]

In my first journal entry, I mentioned that I wanted to dye my hair a brilliant color temporarily, but I was holding off because of the upcoming wedding and the prospect of meeting customers.

In yesterday's staff meeting at work, it sounded as if I wasn't going to be meeting customers for a month or two. so I asked whether I'd be meeting customers soon. Mark knew that I was really asking "Will it create problems if I dye my hair?" He was kind of derisive about my desire and implied strongly that I was too old for such things, but he grudgingly agreed that it would probably be okay.

At night, then, Lori and I were talking about how Mark can be somewhat difficult to get along with these days, because the stress of trying to get our company to take off is really being hard on him.

As we were going to bed, then, I recalled the conversation with Mark. I retold it to Lori.

I figured that it would be another anecdote of my having trouble getting along with Mark.
I thought Lori shared my enthusiasm for the idea of temporarily dyeing my hair, and now that Mark had given the grudging go-ahead, we would start giddily plotting a recoloring for me. I was expecting that we'd discuss the relative merits of a brilliant jewel blue or a warm purple.
I was wrong.
I was so wrong.

Lori views the idea with apprehension.

She didn't understand why I want to do this, and asked me why. For my part, I have trouble explaining it, because it seems obviously cool to me.
It's cool.
It's exotic.
It's flamboyant.

Lori said, "Many of the people around you won't understand why you're doing this."
This is code for something I don't understand, because on the face of it, it shouldn't matter whether other people understand; why should I care? But it might mean 'I don't understand', and that I do care about.

So I've been feeling very sad by her disapproval. And my inner voice is saying This is what happens when you want things. This is why it's wrong to want things.

Lori feels really bad about making me feel so sad. She says, "I'm sorry" over and over. I know she does feel sorry. But I don't know how to respond.

She suggests things like coloring my hair very briefly, so that no one sees it. That's not satisfactory to me, and I can't explain why.

This is so messed up. Everyone I know has bigger problems than this. Even I have bigger problems than this. I feel like such a whiner for being so sad about this. This too is one of the bad effects of wanting things.

Comments

[ralphmelton.livejournal.com]

I just read a signature quote that said,

"When I became a man I put away childish things. Like the fear of being childish, and the desire to be a grownup." -- C. S. Lewis

From my side of the table, this looks like the world commenting on that situation.

[lothie.livejournal.com]

No, Ralph, it's one of the bad effects of being an approval junkie, and believe me, I would know.

Lori is trying to tell you that people will think you are gay if you dye your hair some exotic color (I would guess), and that that bothers her because it reflects on her badly if people think this about her husband (I would guess).

Lori has a point here, and so do you. It's not going to help if you just retreat into "wanting things is bad" -- you need to discuss it, and come to some sort of solution that you can both live with.

I've seen marriages break up when this sort of thing festers. Negotiate early, negotiate often -- you know that.

*hug*
L

[rubylou.livejournal.com]

I'm still "at the age" where I dye my hair all sorts of colors, and I probably always will be. Jane's hair is purple right now, and she loves it. But then, this is Seattle, where you can't walk through a single building at Microsoft without seeing crayon-colored hair every fifty feet.

I'm the wrong person to discuss this with, perhaps, because I love oddity. However, if you DO decide to dye your hair, I would suggest getting a colored cellophane. It's better on your hair, and will give your highlights a brilliant color. In order to get a jewel tone using hair dye, you'd have to strip the color from your hair first.

Email me if you want more tips on this. I've been doing it for years.

[ralphmelton.livejournal.com]

You are of course right. Both about the advice and the fact that I do know that's what I need to do.

(And in an aside, I note that I meant the "this is code for something I don't understand" to be a neutral statement, without an implicit judgment of who's right or wrong.)

[ralphmelton.livejournal.com]

Yeah, part of my sentiment is "I'm a software jock. It's par for the course for techies to have wacky appearances."

This colored cellophane tip is just the sort of information I yearn for--thank you much for that information. Is it permanent? (I don't want to make a permanent change in my hair right now.)

Many thanks.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

People may have 'bigger' problems than this, but little problems often turn into big problems, especially when they are never dealt with.

This is something you want. If you don't at least explore with Lori why you want it, and why she doesn't, and what you can do about it, then there are two things that could happen:
1) you dye your hair and she resents it
2) you don't dye your hair and you resent it.

Resent is an awful thing to have in a relationship. It is an open, festering wound that allows all sorts of other issues to creep in.

Relationships require compromise, BUT DO NOT LOSE WHO YOU ARE.

(My goodness, I sound like the bitter dumpee, don't I? *grin*) Don't lose yourself. You are wonderful, and this hairdye thing seems to be your need to be a little wicked on the outside, to match your exciting little sparks on the inside. I'd hate to see you disappear into a chorus of 'this is why I should never want things.'

Please don't.

Relationships and how you look

[meska.livejournal.com]

You know, its interesting how one partner looks reflects on the other. My husband is prone to wearing clothing with holes in it. Just last month I almost killed him when I found out he had been wearing pants with a rip in the crotch for /months/. Not some small rip, but a gaint 'your balls could hang out' rip. Sigh.

I understand why she doesn't want you to die your hair. I also have had an urge to do it too... I'm just not brave enough. I guess as we get older we have to worry less about looking like dumb kids and more like looking like someone desperately trying to be young and dumb again.

The thing is... when you are with someone, your lives are all twisted together. All the little things become important because they have an effect on you partner. Darrin doesn't see the ripped clothing as a big deal. I see is a proof he shows off to the world that I am an horrible wife.

[ralphmelton.livejournal.com]

And I am whimsical enough to regard "freaky" as a plus, at least at this moment. (Jude's comment about "a need to be a little wicked on the outside to match little sparks on the inside" is very apt.)

This is a big part of why we need to talk so much to work this all out.

Re: Relationships and how you look

[ralphmelton.livejournal.com]

I quite agree that we are "all twisted together". If I didn't care so much about Lori's feelings, I would just dye it without worrying. But it isn't that simple.

[rubylou.livejournal.com]

It is not permanent, but will last for a few months. And it's good for your hair. It simply places a protein/cellophane coating over the hairshaft, strengthening it and adding color. They come in some beautiful jewel shades, as well as more conventional colors. Call around to various salons. I've gotten Matrix's "Prizms", (a protein coat) several times in purple and blue.

ONE OF US

[beegle.livejournal.com]

To me, this sounds like "Lori's desire for conformity" versus "Ralph's desire for individuality."

Even within one person, this can be a difficult decision. I think the most important thing is to talk this one to death. It touches on some important control issues. The sort of stuff that every relationship has to work out on their own terms. Whatever you decide, be certain that each of you is perfectly clear about the others reasons, and how far that reasoning extends. It's okay to disagree, so long as you know exactly where and why you disagree.

Some other things to think about: What if one of you wants to cut your hair or change the style? What if Ralph's desired hair color was more "normal"? What about (for Ralph) moustache or beard or (for Lori) unshaved legs or armpits? How large is the set of people who will say "blue-haired freak" but not "long-haired freak"?

There is some benefit in not scaring the neighbors, but then again, there's also benefit in scaring them. Most people will make snap judgements. The open-minded people will revisit those judgements after talking to you. The closed-minded ones won't even try to talk to you. Do you really want those people as friends? In other words, do you want to adapt to the suburbs, or do you want the suburbs to adapt to you?

[lothie.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't think you are a narrow-minded suburban bitch. I think you are just being practical. However, when you really want something, the feeling can be "practicality be damned" and that, obviously, leads to hurt feelings.

Glad to virtually "meet" you!

[lothie.livejournal.com]

Um, I guess the comment I was replying to got deleted. Sorry...

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

Not your fault...I got all...uhh...I don't know, scared (close enough) at having a "relationship issue" being debated on LJ.



But, it's already out here, so I'm gonna try and resurect my post.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

Well, not gay...I think the word is "freak," unfortunately. We live in good old provincial Pittsburgh, in the middle of the good old provincial suburbs. And the big neighborhood block party is in two weeks. I just don't want people to judge us by this...we'll be here a long time. Then I feel like a narrow-minded suburban bitch. :-(

My other issue is that I love Ralph's hair the way it is, and I'm afraid he'll have staining.

Thanks for understanding both sides of this. *hug*

PS: To alleviate confusion, I will explain that I deleted this, and now am retyping it. I found myself disturbed by having a "relationship" discussion on LJ. I can be pretty selective about what I tell others. Sorry...you're all friends, and it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with y'all.

[lothie.livejournal.com]

Heh, I know whatcha mean there!

And...

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

And I will add that I have been extremely unhappy with the way Ralph's boss has been behaving lately. I'm sorry he's stressed. But part of good leadership is not taking it out on those under you. Okay, I think good personhood is not taking your stress (or other negativity) out on others too.

But, not everyone is me.

and if purple is what you like...

[jeliza]

We did my hear in Clairol's Natural Instincts Exotic in Balinese Amethyst. This is *not* a permanent color. If you follow the directions on the box, you will get subtle purple highlights that will wash out in about a month. Given that our hair is similar, if you do what I did (leave it on for 40 minutes) you will get deep brown-black hair with purple highlights that are extremelu subtle in indoor light, and bright outside. It will become bright as the color washes out, especially if you use a condition that is not for colored hair, and should last a bit longer (and if you want it to go away, just use conditioner repeatedly.) Like a cellophane, it won't strip your hair.